First of all, the answer to last week’s mystery question was “Mary Martin.” She played the male role of Peter Pan! All the contestants had answered Julie Andrews for some reason. I guess they weren’t as old as I; this was the first theater production I had ever been to and I remember trying to fly after the show by jumping on my brother’s back Anyway…
Many, many years ago, someone once said to me, ‘If you want to know Britain you must listen to its radio.’ And I did. Even now, when I see the clock hit 12.57pm, I’m ready to turn on Radio Four and listen to the weather report prior to the mid-day news and an afternoon’s listening. Dinner preparation has never been quite the same since leaving the U.K.; now I am dependent on my iPod for company and at other times, Telly rules. OK? American television isn’t quite so bad as Italian where a mother was recently told on live TV that her daughter had been murdered. In America, we only have to deal with a certain lack of intelligence. So, back to my viewing diary from last week when I left ‘Jeopardy” which was followed by “Wheel of Fortune.” To this I said ‘no thank you,’ and moved on to:
“1,000 Ways to Die’: this might possibly be the funniest programme on television. It is preceded by the warning, “Do not attempt to try any of the actions depicted…” This programme is exactly what it purports to be: a compendium of weird and wonderful ways people have died in these United States. First up is a guy on the lam in Montana who’s been robbing banks in an attempt to get the money together to open a meths lab. Wanting a high and out of booze, he siphons off the gasoline from his Harley believing the ethanol will give him his alcoholic high. Subsequently he pukes into his camp fire and---guess what?
Next on this programme is a Japanese couple who, after 7 years of wedded non-bliss have still been unable to consummate their marriage. The husband comes home plastered one evening and gets his wife to join him in his drunken stupor leading to… At that climactic moment, they both die of heart attacks.
And then there is the woman who wants to lose weight. Guess what she does? She buys a whole load of tape worm larvae from Venezuela… which might not be such a good strategy. The longest worm they eventually found in her body was 20 ft……..
Joy Behar: the comedienne, whom I know from catching “The View” in the mornings at the gym, is today interviewing one Jenny McCarthy. I’ve never heard of this person previously but she is describing to Behar, in graphic detail, a most intimate relationship she had with a stuffed bear called ‘Tubby.’
Swamp People: This is on the History Channel. Apparently there is not enough history to occupy the channel full-time so we have this series about people with accents so thick we need the provided subtitles to understand anything they are saying. It would also help if someone explained why they do the job they do---which is hunting snakes and alligators so that the rest of us can look at lovely shoes, belts and fabulous handbags we cannot possibly afford. Unfortunately, one guy still doesn’t know the difference between venomous and non-venomous snakes which is something of a liability in his line of work. I leave them frying frog fritters…
American Pickers: This is about a firm called ‘Antique Archaeology’ who go around the country looking in barns, sheds, run down houses, fields and other unlikely venues where junk that could possibly be sold as antiques might be found. This week they find a pinball machine with cowgirls on it and we are told that in 1942 Mayor LaGuardia banned and destroyed pinballs as games of luck---or gambling. History on the History Channel at last! The men also find the ‘Alien’ dummies used in a film about Roswell. It’s pointed out that a UFO sighting is reported somewhere on the planet every 3 minutes! As they load the dummies into their van, one man asks the other, “Do you believe in Aliens?” His reply? “I gotta believe there’s gotta be something smarter than us…”
And last but certainly not least:
Better Off Dead: When I hit the ‘Info’ button on my remote control, it says, “Follow Mark Lilly, Social Worker at the Dept. of Integration, as he helps new citizens…adapt to hectic life in the Big Apple.” BETTER OFF DEAD????
Are they trying to tell me something?
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