T.V. or Not T.V., that IS the Question

One night during the summer I was dining over at my brother’s home when the conversation came round to television.  “So what do you watch?” I was asked.  After a momentary silence and a procrastinating sip of wine I had to tell the assembled guests that, in actual fact, I didn’t watch American television very much at all.   On neither side of the pond have I ever been a great one for the Box; I simply cannot sit and do nothing while staring at a screen.  Since I started living on my own, my television watching predominantly consists of a half hour over lunch and a further half hour or so over dinner.  Sure, I catch the news and turn the damn thing on while dressing in the mornings or getting ready for bed, but actually sit down and watch?  I used to exercise in front of it which added an hour or so to my viewing time but, since I took up gym attendance, that too has gone by the board.

In the UK I used to record programmes and films and watch them over a period of time.  Most of my watching consisted of documentaries, historical dramas and the odd human interest programme such as “Who Do You Think You Are?” which traces the ancestry of various celebrities.  I did watch a few episodes of the American version (did you know Sarah Jessica Parker is descended from a Salem witch??!) but unfortunately circumstances eventually overtook me on that.  I tried watching a few programmes my brother recommended; “Monk,” about a detective with OCD, was my firm favourite but I got there just in time for its last season.  I tried “House” for a while as I used to love Hugh Laurie when he was teamed with Stephen Fry, but after a few episodes I realized how very formulaic this series was and gave up. My nephew recommended “Glee” saying he was certain I would love it; next time don’t be so sure of yourself!  “The Closer” I can happily watch and “Project Runway” I’ve been watching for years as I rather enjoy the cut and thrust of the competition, not to mention the weird fashion---but in a country where I could have some 900 channels from which to choose, this is all slim pickings indeed.

Therefore, in the interests of Investigative Journalism (i.e., this blog), I decided to subject myself to arbitrary television viewing over several days.  In fact, my first inclination was to try to watch for 12 hours of prime time viewing but I’m afraid I soon ditched that idea in the interests of my own sanity.  I set myself certain parameters for this experiment:  I would not watch any of the programmes previously watched as cited above; there would be no films and  no news or current affairs to which I would have normally gravitated; furthermore, there would be no British imports so Masterpiece Theatre was out--- no masterpieces for me!  Finally, there would be nothing with the words ‘Real Housewives of…’ in the title (nothing real about these women since they are 90% plastic and 10% hair extensions), simply in the interests of saving me from regurgitation.   So, here, this week and next, is my viewing diary:

6.30pm: “Flipping Out” is about a gay guy with OCD who does remodeling and home re-designs on a very grand scale.  He seems to have major management issues, particularly with his maid, Zola.  In this episode, his biggest problem was dealing with a 90 year old woman who wanted door handles designed as nude figures throughout the house and he had to explain that this might not be in the very best taste.

7PM:  “Jeopardy”:  this long-running game show basically entails contestants being given the answer to questions and they have to come up with the question; therefore, their replies must always start with who, what, where, or when.  So, the M.C. says, ‘the mortar between tiles’ and the contestant replies “What is grout?”  Or, “A condition in polar regions where snow makes visibility poor.”  Answer:  “What is a ‘white out’?”  But really, if someone asked you, “What is jumping?” would you truly reply, “Miriam Rothschild discovered that a substance in the hind legs of fleas gave them this amazing ability????”  Or if someone demanded, “What is Murder on the Orient Express?” would your answer really be, “Hercule makes a bust on a choo-choo out of Istanbul?”

By the way, the major-grossing question for the night was “In 1955 she became the first and only female star to win a Tony in a male part.”  Out of the 4 contestants and me, I was the only one to know the answer.  Anyone who replies with the correct answer below in ‘Comment’ will get $1 from me.  If you can prove you didn’t Google it, of course.

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK…..